Happy Birthday, Madiba!

Yesterday, Nelson Mandela woke up and remembered that on this day, he was 90 years old.

Eighty-plus years ago, he was just a black kid in a racist country who lived in a small rural village that no-one had even heard of. He never looked special, really. Just regular, not too big, not too small, no distinguishing marks or features.

Yet this ordinary kid changed the world as we know it.

He fought for noble ideals, making enormous personal sacrifices. And he succeeded greatly. He won the Nobel Peace prize, and was on the cover of Time magazine five times, and all because he turned a major African country about-face from oppression to democracy with skill, love and genius. Everyone has heard of him. So, whenever I see his face gracing the cover of a newspaper or magazine, I search for the story written with cynicism, complete objectivity, and a little pessimism. As we all know, everyone has their supporters and their opponents, their champions and their naysayers. Well, I'm still looking.

Madiba Magic I guess, or perhaps just the presence of a great soul that no-one with honesty and journalistic integrity can deny.

This week I ripped out the Mandela pages from the Time that shows up in my mailbox every week.
Madiba is graciously photographed, radiating calm, self assurance, and the kind of dignity I strive to have one day. The accompanying article sets out to be objective, analytical, written by a seasoned senior editor, who worked with Mandela on his biography, A Long Road to Freedom. His love for this great man begins to peek through from the beginning, and by the end, is undeniable. Another life touched, it seems.

All around the country, there are celebrations, even a big party in England. There are websites. www.happybirthdaymandela.com. where 30 000 people from Tanzania, amongst others from every corner of the earth, wished him well personally. Celebrities, politicians, important folk. And housewives, bakers, electricians, teachers, bus drivers and children. Imagine that.
Take a look at the messages. They will move you. And hopefully, inspire you.

Inspiration for ordinary people, from ordinary towns, with ordinary families and ordinary lives.

Seems like ordinary has the potential to change the world, as we know it.

The Breakfast Meeting.

My empty stomach dropped as I stared fixedly at the electronic red numbers counting down in the darkly lit and heavily insulated hotel elevator. It plummeted soundlessly from the sixty second floor down to zero.
The doors hummed shut on a steady sixty two, and then the numbers spun faster and faster until, seemingly giving up, and showing fifty five, forty two, thirty, twenty, eleven, nine, five, four, three, two, one and ping, the ground level.
I took a steadying breath and stepped out, adjusting to the hive of activity before me.

I glanced around the unfamiliar palatial lobby of this grand hotel in Georgia.
I did not consciously acknowledge the complicated, heavy chandeliers, Elton John-style flower arrangements, marble and velvet surroundings. Traditional super-luxuries designed to pamper the affluent Southern visitors.
I found my bearings, and headed for the morning dining room, tinkling with teacups, tiny silver spoons and murmured conversations. The smell of black coffee permeated the air, and made me feel unexpectedly optimistic. An inappropriate emotion, I thought, as I was meeting with a senior, black female member of parliament who refrained from even pretending to like me. My directive was to help her in most any way she needed me to on this particular trip abroad. This delegation of dignitaries from South Africa had set out on a study trip to parts of the United States, and wished to get a first world perspective on a number of similar issues arising at home.

She had married a prominent man of the people.
He was a folk hero, a soldier, a fighter, a charismatic leader.
He championed the poor, exploited, and most of all, the oppressed.
He was loved, and like most enduring folk icons, died young, violently and unjustly.
No-one had really heard of her.
She had three children, and carried an impressive last name on her shoulders. In the new regime, someone gave her a job. Quite a good one, actually. Perhaps she had fought in the back trenches, like most women. Perhaps her sacrifices, and fight for the struggle had merely gone unnoticed and unheralded. Maybe she had given it her all. I did not know.

I did know that I more than likely epitomized everything she had fought against, considered unjust, cruel, and oppressive.
I was young, blond, looked educated, and as though I had not struggled a day in my life. My notorious family name had been a pillar of apartheid, and had to be uttered when one was being either formal or unfriendly. And that was just at first glance.


I saw her sitting alone in a corner of the huge dining room, a generic coffee cup placed to one side and the hand written menu ignored. She peered closely at a notebook in front of her, and frowned in concentration. She sensed my recognition across the room and looked up at me in irritation. Her eyes narrowed as I approached.

I mentally thickened my pale skin, placed an objective, professional smile squarely on my face, and sat down opposite her when she gestured that I should sit down. We had both already decided to keep this meeting efficient so that it could be short.
She began running through her notebook page of key words, and sharply added pointed instructions as she listed her litany of directions for me for the week. I took notes, my neutral expression reflecting no surprise or disbelief when she demanded something unreasonable.

She spoke urgently, with unnecessary emphasis. Her conservative white blouse was buttoned up to the top, and her ethnic hair pulled back tightly into a small, wiry bun at the nape of her neck. It looked like she had resigned herself to a bad hair day. Her severe hairstyle emphasized her wide forehead, unplucked brows, and unexpected narrow mouth. The overall effect was vulnerable, unsophisticated and disconcerting. She wore no jewelery.

I put down my pencil, sat back in my plush chair and wished for more courage in a coffee cup. My fairy materialized, wearing a traditional waitress uniform and brandishing a heavy silver coffee pot like a regal hostess. She smiled at my grateful anticipation as I met her gaze, and wordlessly poured a steady stream of coffee into my cup.
My boss was still talking quickly, reiterating instructions I had already mentally planned and arranged.
The waitress stepped back, and I noticed her elaborately braided African-American hairdo. It hung down her broad back in ropes of colorful beads and stiff, straightened artificial curls. She boasted a womanly cleavage which looked as though it smelt warm and inviting. Her face was buffed and smooth, and her brows dramatically arched and delicate. Her face bloomed when she smiled. She was beautifully chocolaty.

"Where are y'all from?" she asked loudly and confidently. Perhaps our accents had intrigued her. I deferred to my boss, and did not respond immediately. She stopped mid sentence, looked up at the waitress for the first time, and replied with quiet venom.
"That is none of your business."

The waitress gaped like a plump goldfish, turned quickly and threaded her way quietly through the white linened tables. I was surprised and embarrassed. I felt my growing indignation flush my cheeks and I focussed on ending the meeting as soon as possible.
I was not hungry.

I wondered if I had identified more with the waitress than she had.


I left shortly thereafter, and began my day. In parting, my boss mentioned that she had a hair appointment first thing that morning, and would not be available for a few hours. She was off to the best African-American hair salon in Atlanta, Georgia for a new 'do.

Freedom or Exploitation?

Two of the largest Internet Service Providers in the world, Verizon and Time Warner Cable have joined forces with Sprint, another giant wireless company in the United States, to eliminate access and storage of child pornography online.
They are putting aside their compulsive competitiveness, and have committed money and resources to stamping out the exploitation of our most fragile members of society.

It's a bold move, and over here, it's a first.

Whilst everyone publicly applauds this idea, I am always intrigued by the dissenters, the ones who protest for the protection of freedoms and other notions of this ilk.
Their fear of sounding like perverts is overwhelmed by their fear of losing some fundamental rights to expression, movement and speech.
To most of us, these are abstract ideas and don't pack a punch like explicit child pornography which makes every mother gasp with anxiety and horror, no matter how liberal or worldly.

In 1995, the South African Parliament tabled a bill that changed the regulation and definition of pornography in the New South Africa. It all began with a few controlling boards and bodies in the old apartheid days that needed to be reinvented and redesigned, and made fit and suitable for a spanking new democracy.
The Film and Publications Amendment Bill was born, and seeing that in this ideal new world every person could have their say, public hearings were arranged at parliament so that all interested parties could air their point of view and concerns.

The whole shebang became my first bill to guide through the entire parliamentary process.

Political party members huddled behind closed doors and discussed possible amendments and party policies.
Secret and meaningful glances and notes were exchanged in passages before our Committee met solemnly in dark, teak-and-leather boardrooms. The chairperson heading this group of serious politicians spoke with calm authority and suitable officiousness at all of these preliminary meetings. Political parties were asked to consider all input and submissions carefully, and to draft amendments to the old Act in a timely manner. Procedures, rules, regulations and guidelines were carefully covered and documented.

As for me, Mr Chairman confidently handed me all his correspondence, schedules and assorted documents, and made it all my problem with one winning smile. I was to schedule the public hearings, press releases, meetings, deliberations and all the logistics that were required for these. It was a public hot potato, but he knew I was up for the job he said.

My name and number was published as the contact person for all inquiries and information. Boy, oh boy. The smart man had shifted all the hoopla onto my unsuspecting shoulders, whilst the members of parliament prepared in earnest for this bill.

I got a nice big office with a lot of space and started collecting public opinion.
You can only imagine the volume of calls, faxes, petitions, letters, mail, and surprising office visits that came my way.

I scheduled an entire week of public hearings before the parliamentary committee.
Citizens literally got fifteen minutes of fame, and both left and right, conservative and liberal, jostled equally for the limelight.
I think I may have seen and heard it all that month.

Ultra conservative religious groups sent petitions and hand delivered them with vitriolic zealousness that was at times quite frightening. These pale men and women stood around in the hall outside my office peering anxiously over piles of documents and papers, nervously worried that they may inadvertently spot some real pornography and have to loosen their skinny ties. Their sour fear was awkward in the carpeted passages of our bustling, multi colored New South Africa government buildings. Nevertheless, they got a spot to say their say. So too the local artist who brought large examples of her erotic art into my office one busy Thursday afternoon.

For weeks I answered what seemed like hundreds of calls a day. Each one, carefully planned by the caller to achieve maximum satisfaction. I heard verbosely angry, businesslike calm, emotionally wretched, esoterically nonsensical, religiously outraged, friendly, flattering and cajoling.
There were religious groups of all persuasions, performance artists, the gay community in its many forms, Hustler and Playboy magazine dudes, prisoners, and many extremely odd people.
Every one of them had a point of view, opinion and a strong yen to state their case.

They sat all day and waited for their number to come up during the hearings. I herded them in and out, took their notes, tried to calm their nerves and strong emotions and once even frog marched a tiny man off the stage who inappropriately dissolved into a tirade after his fifteen minutes were up.

Democracy in action. The chairperson always in control, running the show and asking relevant questions. Astonishing mounds of information and opinions. And always, an outstanding lunch served at noon. I quickly learned that this was essential for goodwill, progress and general happiness. I skimped on other things to stay on budget but made sure there was extra dessert.

Amendments were drafted, negotiated and voted upon. A new Bill was submitted to the Houses of Parliament and adopted.
The new Film and Publications Act kicked in in 1996.
Many people don't like it. They say that it infringes on freedoms of speech, expression and movement.
But it distinctly bans child pornography and protects the vulnerable members of our society, and for that, every South African mother, black or white, liberal or conservative, is grateful.

Happy Birthday, Jenna.

Tomorrow, Jenna will be ten years old.

And yes, we are having a party. Friends, cake, games, swimming and hot dogs.

I love, love hot dogs.

I know they are rubbish food, but I am one of millions who will swear they can mark out their lives in hot dogs. I know everyone thinks hot dogs are American, and epitomize everything good and bad about this society. You know the bad -- fat, piggy kids, lazy mothers, preservatives and saturated fats -- and the good -- cookouts, family, friends, party, fun, celebration, outdoors, festivals and amusement parks.

But the African hot dog most certainly does exist.

They are not quite like their American cousins -- a little skinnier, toned down, a little more basic really. Usually a fairly humble bendy vienna sausage nestled in a smallish white elongated bun, and smothered in tomato sauce, or ketchup, depending on which country you speak from. They don't get the royal treatment of grill marks, relishes, onions and gourmet mustards. They don't cost much, and can be bought at a vendor who fishes the warm viennas out of some boiling water where they are heated through, and pops it into its bun, wrapped in a scant napkin.

It is a great and ongoing mystery to me and my brethren as to why exactly Americans grill hot dogs. We just don't get it. We grill steaks, lamb chops, pork chops, marinated chicken, boerewors (a spiced local sausage, hopefully homemade) and exotic kebabs.
A South African braai (barbecue) is all about the great, succulent grilled food, and then the beer and company.
For us, the humble hot dog just fills an empty spot in a satisfying fashion. Not really a celebrated food, we say. Not fit for company.

And yet if I think about it, I remember when growing up, fast food joints and take-out spots were virtually non-existent. Exhausted mothers picked up supplies for hot dogs at supermarkets and headed home to feed the kids at the end of the week. Ditto for maids-day- off nights. When hot dogs were served, everyone relaxed. Parents' expectations were low, bad table manners were ignored, kids could lie around or horse about. Dinner was straightforward.

Frequently, hot, sticky Durban summers were packed with pre-adolescent friends at our suburban pool, piles of white buns and lukewarm viennas, gaily accented with bright bottles of ketchup and potato chip packets. Instant kid food readily available without much grown-up intervention required. Adults stayed in calmer, cooler shadows with wine spritzers and olives.

When I was thirteen and broke my arm with a resounding snap on the beach, my mother took me to the emergency room across the street. The huge community hospital, Addington Hospital, must have had the best in-patient view in all the world. All I really remember was feeling weird because someone had wrapped their ketchuped hot dog half in my t-shirt --for safekeeping I guess -- when I undressed and ran off in my swimsuit. I smelt and felt like a hot dog for hours while I waited, and kids showed up mangled and screaming from motorcycle accidents.

In high school, upon strict instruction to come up with a booth, game or carnivalish side-show for our annual fund raiser, my assigned partner and I unenthusiastically decided to man a no-frills hot dog stand. No gimmicks, fair price and good quality buns. (There is no such thing as a good quality vienna.)
To my astonishment, I sold three hundred hot dogs in just over an hour. Our target was exceeded, and my lifelong fascination with a simple, good commodity, marketed and sold to the masses was stirred. Humble hot dogs were a hit.

At sixteen, my friend Janine and I (I know, I know) would take a bus to the beach, hang out all day, and on our way home, stop off at the hot dog stand outside Durban's City Hall and feast on the meaty, bread and ketchup concoctions. Pure heaven. A day of sand, sun, friends and the utter bliss of being sixteen and free, was completed with a hot dog on the steps of the bustling city square. The world was fascinating and rich, and it responded to our colorful nubile presence with delight and pleasure.

Through the years of young adulthood and poverty, hot dogs featured as emergency food, quickly swallowed outside busy nightclubs in the wee hours of the morning. Cheap, quick and delicious fuel for a night of pouring drinks behind bar counters mobbed with beautiful people determined to have a good time.

And now, I am to my dismay, a mom to a ten-year old.

And when there are kids, there are hot dogs.
These days, on the rare occasion that I venture into Costco with champagne-tastes Henk on a weekend, we always order a round of hot dogs for everyone, and nod our mutual approval and delicious satisfaction as we eat them with the throngs on the plastic benches in the store.
We always smile at each other conspiratorially, compliment each other's cleverness at discovering the best hot dogs in the country, and always smugly marvel at the price. A buck fifty of pure heaven on so many levels.

Happy Birthday, Jenna. Have a hot dog on me.

Masonto.

Masonto is a name derived from the Zulu word for Sunday, Amasonto.

Finally, a day of rest.

Hardly.
My memories of Masonto span almost my entire lifetime. When I was as young as my memory will allow, she was square and solid, untidily wrapped in a usually grubby house dress, barefoot with corn rows sticking off her head haphazardly.
I have no idea of how old she was -- old enough to have two strapping sons, and then a little doe-eyed one, nicknamed Bambi for the rest of his life.
Young enough to play hours of hide-and-seek with us children, sent down the street to my grandmother's house in the hot afternoons when my mother would rest.

There were brown bread avoacado-and-vinegar sandwiches at the melamine kitchen counter, hot tea with a scoop of my grandmother's prized condensed milk, and then we were shooed outside into the boisterous hands of Masonto. She always smelled of chicken fat and hair oil, and never, ever sat still or kept quiet, for that matter. My head fills with the sound of her shrieking laughter and animated conversation when I think of her.
She was the younger sister of my childhood nanny and maid, Somblugu, and the two of them could not have been more different. Somblugu was Chopin, Masonto, the Rolling Stones.

She cooked, cleaned, babysat, dished out advice, fought raucously with a wayward husband I never did see, and whom eventually finally disappeared in a manner only whispered about in the presence of children.
She cared for everyone -- the waves of yapping little dogs my grandmother always seemed to love, kids from all corners of the family, my quiet grandfather and his clockwork coffee-breaks and pipe-smoking meditations, and my aunts who lived there until they married. She pressed outfits for monumental dates, helped to paint toenails scarlet and scrubbed feet with a pumice stone. Grooming seemed to have been her specialty. Whenever I appeared before her with my tousled teenage head, she would grab a comb and rush at me, begging to be allowed to worry out those snarls that seemed to trouble her so.

She was loud music, crude jokes and good natured bantering. She ran the dickens out of her little hand cranked Singer sewing machine on a Saturday afternoon when we were bored, my mother was visiting in the house, and the homemade cake had been eaten. She sewed narrow little strips of scrap fabric into squares, and made multi-colored quilt-like mats. I loved them but never could understand what they were really for.

She was the backbone of that house.

When Jenna was a few months old, Henk and I went to Durban and stayed at my grandmother's house. We slept in one of my aunt's old rooms -- her giant old porcelain dolls stacked on top of a huge wardrobe. Masonto stepped right in and cared for Jenna as naturally as breathing.
She brought us tea on a tray in the morning, and changed the baby's diaper. She was as comforting as my grandmother to me.


Our ambitions grew, and our small family moved across the globe. My grandmother grew old.
Mostly I heard of her health and happiness. After all, these are the questions we ask about our loved ones when calling from ten hours away. She was being well cared for and living with my lovely, youngest aunt. When she moved in with my aunt, all I heard about was how she was resisting the move and then how happy she was when she settled in.

What about Masonto? I asked.

Oh...... she has gone back to the township, I heard. What does that mean? Did she have another house? I never knew. I only thought of her and loved her within the framework of my grandmother's house and her quarters in the back yard.

What happened to her? Does she have enough money? Who is taking care of her? My mother responded in anger, with no answers. I don't understand what I am hearing. Is this guilt, shame or frustration I am hearing? I can't decide.
I am not in Durban, South Africa. I cannot read expressions, feel undercurrents or press family members for answers. No-one says anything, and I am distracted once more by my daily rituals. It bothers me.

A while later, in the middle of a lengthy conversation with my mother over the phone, she tells me that Masonto has died.
I think, she was not that old at all!
She was locked in her house and burnt alive for being a witch, my mother says. She sounds unshocked. I am stunned. Her sons stood and watched her screaming in the house, my mother says.
I don't know what to say to her anymore.
She sighs, and begins a litany of negative Masonto words that I do not hear.

I remember her lifelong service to my extended family. I remember her enormous soul.
I grieve.
I am horrified and sad.

I hear nothing from my family. Their silence is deafening. They are good people, but they say nothing.

Am I also a good person who says nothing too?

What a day for a Wedding.

The news is abuzz with the same sex marriages being conducted all over our part of the woods today.

They started yesterday with two elderly ladies, Phyllis and Dell, tying the knot after being together for fifty five years. They stood quietly in front of a pink and white frosted cake when they came out after having taken their vows. One was in a walker, but both were beaming patiently. All the people who love them supporting them and happy, happy for them.

Today there were many people at City Hall -- mostly nerdish or ordinary, lumpy or plain, mostly middle-aged or older. Plenty of spectacles, gray hair, no hair, wrinkles and pot bellies. Yet all these people beamed, cried with emotion, grinned and generally looked elated. They spoke of love, family, and their concerns and big, big love for their children.
They just want to do right by them and each other, they say.
Some spoke of needing to be next of kin when their partner's life is in jeopardy in the hospital. Late in life, they want to be sure that they can be there for each other. A grandmother proudly declared that she now had a legal tie to her grandchildren that she loved so dearly. Her new daughter-in-law's kids were now legitimately part of her family. These are their thoughts, concerns and fears.

The gay community is known to be flamboyant, outspoken, radical and certainly far from conservative.
But all I saw and heard about today was conservative, ordinary values and family ideals. The right to be equal before the law; the right to care for your partner in life, and the frightening and inevitable life-and-death situations; the right to succession and providing well for your children -- the social contract of marriage seemingly taken so lightly by adored celebrities who marry and divorce within weeks repeatedly, and yet today taken so seriously and gratefully by the gay families on the fringes of our society.

I hear Pamela Anderson plans to wed Tommy whats-his-name for the fourth time and Kid Rock (Husband number three? four? ) refuses to give up his hopes of a reconciliation.... Why is this OK with these gay marriage opponents, and not the gay couples who just want to make their longstanding commitments legal?
Guess whose kids are more messed up.

I have yet to hear a sensible argument against gay marriage.
In a country that supports so many freedoms, and goes out of its way to be respectful of religions other than Christianity, the opponents to these unions seem uninformed and sanctimonious. The institute of marriage that they wish to preserve is only really found in small parts of the world and has only been in this particular guise for a ridiculously short period of time. Arranged marriages anyone? You needn't look far.

Yes it is true that I am certainly in favor of equal rights for all.
It resonates within me, bringing to mind flashes of instances where I was not considered good enough merely because I was born a woman.
Those feelings of powerlessness and unfairness remain with me, and this discrimination served no purpose other than to disappoint and anger me. Why would I wish these things on anyone else?

My congratulations to all the new husbands and wives today.

May you and your families flourish.

It Is How We Show Our Love.

This week, a tiny baby in Africa died.
Before her new American parents could bring her home.

She never knew them, but they already loved her and wanted her desperately. A wisp of a life in a harsh, primitive, poor and desperate country almost, almost came to the Land of Free and Plenty. And these good people grieve. They mourn the loss of her life, their new family, hopes, aspirations and future.

Her phantom extended family grieves for her in America. She means something to a whole bunch of people. They honor her short life with their grief, and acknowledge with their mourning that she was worth something. In fact, a whole, whole lot. To them, she was worth everything.
Grieving is how we express our loss, and show that the life of another was important to us.

It is how we show our love.

It teaches us humility, patience and sharpens the focus of our own lives. It is one of those things that startles us with a clear reflection of our selves -- our fears, vulnerabilities, deep compassion and empathy that overwhelms us, and ultimately, our sense of humanity. It is the person we call ourselves, when we want ourselves to answer.

So now, I will grieve with my friends for the tiny life lost.
I only knew of her, but from what I heard, she was grand.