Shock and Awe

Shock and Awe -- the first things I saw when I opened my eyes in the maternity ward five years ago. Remember the dramatic banner at the bottom of the CNN broadcast on that day... I was certainly in shock and awe. A tiny little blonde girl had emerged from my resisting body, radiating peace and life.

And from then on, I have measured out the days of the war in spoons of mother love.
The first year of exciting drama -- sleeplessness and strangeness and everything new. The twenty four hour news coverage of the war the backdrop to the chaos and demands of a brand new life. Both all consuming and riveting.

The first birthday - my sense of accomplishment welled up in my chest, surrounded by a ballooning marshmallow of love that followed the chubby, beaming baby as she swatted the candles on her first cake. Mothers gathered nearby with candles lit, their anger covering the panic and rising fear that was squeezing their marshmallow of love for their children so far away.

I watched my two-year-old -- exhausted, optimistic and delighted in her serenity and purity.
Other mothers watched news broadcasts obsessively, terrified of seeing their babies, but compelled to watch and falling into a year of exhaustion, optimism and crushing fear.

It is our third year and we are all tired. Media fatigue, mommy fatigue. Mothers feel as though all we ever say is No No No and no-one listens. We are the voices of reason in the background. Play fair, don't hit people, don't take what is not yours, share...

Sarah is four and drawing, swinging, and I am on the ground looking at the sunlight through the giant trees overhead as she sings to me and points out the wander of leaves in the breeze. Another mother, and another, drops to her knees at her front door as the uniformed officers stand awkwardly in the bright breezy sunlight and her fierce love for her child cracks her in half.
Different mothers, same love.

Yesterday Sarah was five. We mothers scoop out our spoonfuls of love into our children every day. Yesterday that love showed itself as strong, independent, beautiful, smart and serene. I thought of the moms who wondered where their spoonfuls were going.